My Tears Are Dry

I am so sad but I cannot cry...

Deep down, my heart feels like being ripped apart. Hurt so bad...

Will I ever be happy again?

I will not give up

The voice in my head telling me that I should give up life... I should give up everything...

NO!

I have my daughter who depends on me. I am not scared of death... I am just scared of leaving her alone in this world... I cannot believe anyone else

I have to survive.

I have to live for her.

I have to be well for her.

To give her my love.

To show her how NOT TO LIVE LIKE THIS.

Oh God... I am so scared she would be like me :(

Depression Kicked In (Again)

I believed that I have always had this kind of bipolar disorder where my stances change easily from happiness to sadness in just a fraction of second. I thought I was alright since I've been happy for quite a long time but here we are, facing the same old invisible enemy called depression.

Such a scary word that not everyone can easily admit that they have one. I have one but I believe that my spouse never believes me every time I say I have this mental illness. Well, who will? Those people who do not understand will automatically associate me with being crazy (if not mental).

Every time I say I want to see and visit a psychiatrist, he never - even once - takes it seriously. I feel like this illness is deteriorating my mind and my body. What worries me is that it is not only affecting me but also everyone around me, fore and foremost, Amora and him.

God knows how much I love them but there is no single day passes without me screaming or hurting any or both of them. Just to bath... just for a silly small mistake, I would scream... disconnecting those growing brain in her tiny head of hers. Guilty? Don't tell me. Every night, when she's already fallen asleep, I would look her sleeping soundly, kissing her countless time, telling her that mommy is sorry for today. mommy was bad. mommy didn't mean to hurt you... but who cares? She doesn't even hear that.


I need someone to talk to. Just listen to me... Don't take it personally, will you? Or take me to a doctor so that when again I am in this low level again, I know what to do. This repeated cycle of depression is killing me... Oh God... I don't want my daughter to be like me when she grows up.

She should be fulfilled

Happy

Content


She should be safe... She should be loved enough

But how do I do that? I really don't know how to do it.

I am not what people think I am

People used to tell me that it must be very nice to be me. I can just point out what I want and the genie in the bottle (my husband) will give / buy it for me. That might be true, in a way...

But they don't know the other side of me (which I rarely show). The thing is, it is not easy to be me. I have a lot of burdens on my shoulder sometimes I feel suffocated.

Some of you might say that I am an ungrateful bitch. You will ask to start counting all the endless blessings God has given to me. FYI, I am so thankful. God knows how I am. 

But can I complain too like other people?

It is not easy to be me. You know. I just got my salary and half of it has gone, just like that.

It is my mistake I think. Not anyone's

AArrrgghhh I hate myself!

Am I (Too) Kind?

Am I (Too) Kind that People Actually Use Me?


I need someone to talk to... Lets the quote battle begins...


Is this true?

THIS IS ULTIMATE:

Amora's second birthday - Singapore PART II

Hello readers,

Yesss!!! I finally get some free time to write again. Well, it is not technically free because I just put Amora on YouTube while having her boiled egg as snacks. Please don't judge me :P

Alright, lets see where I left the story on the last post.

Okay.

Yes, so on the Feb 10, after we rested a bit at my husband's friend, we started our adventure in Singapore. To be honest, I need to learn to arrange my itinerary in a more logical way. I should have understood that we didn't have much time to explore and discover whole Singapore in 2 days LOL

Or else, we would end up getting confused and wasted our time. That's exactly what happened to us.

After discussing place A to Z, we just started later in the afternoon and decided to go to our hotel to check in first.

The hotel name is Value Hotel Balestier and it is located strategically near a bus stop. However, the room is not so big and quite expensive. We didn't even have a free breakfast (when booking, I had to give up choosing a hotel without breakfast because I could not find the hotel with breakfast that fits my budget and have good reviews).

Credit: Agoda

So we kept our things in the room, freshened up and went to the bus stop. 

In Singapore, we can pay bus, MRT, train fares by both cards and cash. However, if we pay cash, the fare will be more expensive than by card. The disadvantage of using card is there is a non-refundable credit that we cannot use inside the card (I think something 5 or 10 SGD). Thinking that we just stayed for 2 days, we thought it was just so much better if we paid cash instead of buying a card.

The first destination is Orchard Road. The road was crowded with tourists from all over the world. A lot of branded shops and unique items too. We bought some souvenirs in Lucky Plaza and the price was surprisingly cheap, even if we compare to Malaysia.

So the three of us just strolled around the road. Having some kebabs, mash potatoes and took some pictures too. I am not really a fan of cities.. I like nature more, beaches, waterfalls, you know. So it is quite boring for me to be there. But the excitement came because seeing the lively lights, cars, buses, balloons. 

Btw, do you know how much is the price for a balloon with glittering light there? Guess! 10 SGD. That's freaking steep!!! I could bargain it to 8 SGD, though. hehehe *feeling proud*

After feeling tired, we went back to the hotel, got ready for the birthday celebration (not really a celebration because what we did is only cake cutting). We showered and put Amora in the birthday dress that we bought in NU Sentral KL.

Here is the birthday girl: TADA!!!! <3 

More pictures from the birthday:

Okay I think that's enough for today. Mommy got tired already.

Good night <3

Amora's second birthday - Many new experiences at once - PART I

Hello dear friends,

It has been a while since I posted my last blog (it has become my usual opening for all my writings nowadays). Sorry, we've been busy paying bills, enjoying lives, and finally,,, On one quiet night, I was browsing on my laptop and realized that I have a bad memory and there are so many good things in my life that I don't want to forget so I was thinking to start this habit of writing down all the things because I want them to last longer and when I read them again later in the future, I can still be familiar with all the good feelings.

Credits: Pinterest

Alright, so I think I wanna start with Amora's second birthday. I know it was like a very huuuuge gap from the last post but I feel like writing this first and maybe about something in between later on.

Amora's birthday is on February 11, 2018. To be honest, we weren't really planning a trip for her birthday. We had wanted to have a grand birthday celebration on a restaurant or a hall (she never had one). We already decided the restaurant, estimated the cost and the guests, etc. It was almost 60% fixed.

Credits: www.adventureinyou.com

But one fine evening, Surya and I had a discussion. I said to him why don't we just give her a travel birthday. Something that she would remember in the future, "On my 2nd birthday, mommy and daddy took me to .... I had a nice time there. It was a great birthday, etc." hehehe and he felt exactly the way I did so yeah we cancelled the plan and thought of Singapore would be a nice place to have her birthday. For some reasons:

• We've talked about going to Singapore for a while but never going
• She likes Minions so we can go to Universal Studio and see those cute little Minions there 
• His aunty and a good friend live there so thought to visit them as well
• We cannot take any last minute leave so we can go to a place that we can visit and go back in a weekend

So, yup, we booked the ticket around 2 weeks before the date. But my husband needed a visa and being a happy go lucky kind of person, he applied it only a week before going and my perfectionist inside me was screaming to him. How could you he do that? What if the visa got rejected? What if they asked for more doc? Arrrggghh... I hate him when he does this.

But fortunately, we got the visa ready 2 days before the departure date (I won't spare him next time he does it again). So, yeah! We are all set.

Did I mention that we were going there by bus? Yes! Bus! That's why we were more excited because it would be our first experience going to another country by bus and for Amora too. (Turned out, it was quite adventurous - keep reading).

So we started from KL on Friday, Feb 9. We had to go to a meeting point in Berjaya Times Square. The pickup booth was quite challenging to find and we had to go on a staircase carrying Amora, bags, and stroller for 2 rounds until finally we found it. Gosh.. *sweating*

So we found the booth and checked in but since we came pretty early and we didn't have anything before leaving the house, we decided to grab something but we ended having a full meal on an Arabic restaurant called Hadramawt Palace. I hesitated because I was afraid the taste would not suit but the food was suprisingly yummy.

OK I'll leave unnecessary details there.

So, we got on to the bus at 12:00 am. The bus company was Star Mart and it was a double decker bus and too bad I didn't take any picture. It was unique and we got our seat on the lower berth.

One thing that was quite surprising in going on a bus to a different country is that we have to get down 2 times from the bus for immigration checking. And trust me, it is quite tiring especially if you are traveling at night time when your body is supposed to sleep instead of standing in a queue. During our time, there was a huge group of Chinese tourists joining so the queue was a bit too long.

For Malaysia immigration, we got down in Johor Baru and for Singapore, in Woodland (CMIIW)

We reached Singapore at 5.00 am, tired and sleepy. Thank God that Amora was able to sleep on the bus and continued sleeping on the stroller. We had planned to visit his aunty from the bus stop but he could not reach his mobile phone nor we knew her address (another thing that I hate about him. He should have asked for the address days before so that we could just go, right?)

Just reached Singapore (Golden Mile Tower stop)

So, change of plan, we visited his friend instead in Tanjung Katong. We went there by Uber because we just wanted to rest for a while. We could not really figure out a bus or MRT route to go there.

Yes, finally, we met his friend and he took us to his nice home where we could rest and had a local Singapore noodle for breakfast (God it was spicy but nice).

At a friend's house. I was gone out already on the sofa. Amora was excitedly playing

That's all for now. If you are interested in more stories about our trip to Singapore, stay tuned!

Oyasumi!