Sabtu, 25 Juli 2020

Depression Kicked In (Again)

I believed that I have always had this kind of bipolar disorder where my stances change easily from happiness to sadness in just a fraction of second. I thought I was alright since I've been happy for quite a long time but here we are, facing the same old invisible enemy called depression.

Such a scary word that not everyone can easily admit that they have one. I have one but I believe that my spouse never believes me every time I say I have this mental illness. Well, who will? Those people who do not understand will automatically associate me with being crazy (if not mental).

Every time I say I want to see and visit a psychiatrist, he never - even once - takes it seriously. I feel like this illness is deteriorating my mind and my body. What worries me is that it is not only affecting me but also everyone around me, fore and foremost, Amora and him.

God knows how much I love them but there is no single day passes without me screaming or hurting any or both of them. Just to bath... just for a silly small mistake, I would scream... disconnecting those growing brain in her tiny head of hers. Guilty? Don't tell me. Every night, when she's already fallen asleep, I would look her sleeping soundly, kissing her countless time, telling her that mommy is sorry for today. mommy was bad. mommy didn't mean to hurt you... but who cares? She doesn't even hear that.


I need someone to talk to. Just listen to me... Don't take it personally, will you? Or take me to a doctor so that when again I am in this low level again, I know what to do. This repeated cycle of depression is killing me... Oh God... I don't want my daughter to be like me when she grows up.

She should be fulfilled

Happy

Content


She should be safe... She should be loved enough

But how do I do that? I really don't know how to do it.

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